NH cops seek woman accused of lifting 14 lobsters 
ROCHESTER, N.H. (AP) - Police in Rochester, N.H., would like to get their claws on a woman accused of shoplifting 14 live lobsters. Authorities released a surveillance photo Monday that shows the woman pushing a shopping cart near the front of the Milton Road Market Basket grocery store. Police...

Cooking oil dump gives RI city eau de french fries 
CRANSTON, R.I. (AP) - Some 30 gallons of used cooking oil has been spilled over several streets in a Rhode Island city, leaving behind the smell of french fries. Cranston Deputy Fire Chief Keith Newman told WJAR-TV that the soybean oil was kept in 5-gallon containers that apparently fell off a...

Studies question heart bypass, angioplasty method    photo
NEW ORLEANS (AP) - Two new studies could change care for hundreds of thousands of heart patients each year. One finds that bypass surgery has been overrated for many people with very weak hearts from clogged arteries and previous heart attacks. The other challenges the way artery-opening...

CT scan surge for kids' emergencies raises concern 
CHICAGO (AP) - Soaring numbers of kids are getting CT scans in emergency rooms, a study found, raising concerns some may be exposed to adult-sized radiation doses and potential risks for cancer down the road. The number of ER visits nationwide in which children were given CT scans surged from...

Beer and bereavement don’t mix.
Sheriff's deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman who joined the fight.  Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.  The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man's mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest.  A sheriff's report claimed the woman with the beer became "passively aggressive" with deputies and said that "no backwood country cop" was going to take her to jail.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, that’s the exact thing to say to a backwoods country cop to get taken to jail.

A New York couple completed a 2,500-mile cab ride to their new home in Arizona.  ***MARLAR: Yep… that’s what you can expect from Springtime road construction and detours.

 “Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?”  In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should.  ***MARLAR: Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly.  How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel? 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A LUMBERJACK

10. Your "Sierra Club 4 Life" tattoo

9. You spend more time picking splinters out of your hands with your "lucky tweezers" than actually chopping wood.

8. The waxed and polished Ax with a cushioned polyurethane grip and ergonomically correct handle was a dead give away.

7. You think pancakes loaded with syrup are bad for your cholesterol

6. "Flannel? Oh no, sweetheart, this boy does not look good in flannel!"

5. It takes you a week to grow that rugged 5 o’clock shadow.

4. The "truck" you drive is an El Camino.

3. You get out of breath just lifting a "Cheese Log."

2. You still can't tell the difference between polka dots and plaid.

1. Maybe if you whistled fewer show tunes

Taking a nap can sometimes be invigorating... but not if you do it at a stop light.

FILE #1: Gregory Tarver was self-employed... sort of. See, he had his own printing business - he liked to print counterfeit money. In fact, he had just printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills and they were in his SUV. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the sheets of cash into individual bills. Greg must work really, really hard, because he was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened Sleeping Beauty, noticed the bills and equipment in the back and Greg was busted.

FILE #2: A teenager from Berlin was arrested for driving a bus through a red light. The 18-year-old man not only ran a red light, but he also stole the bus he was driving. But wait, there’s more! Here’s the kicker -- he stole the bus and ran the red light because he didn’t want to be late for his court date. He was going to court to face charges for an earlier arrest for leaving the scene of an accident. Police escorted the young man to court, whereupon his original hearing was rescheduled. The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some credit. "At least he was on time for court."

FILE #3: The passenger wanted a ride to the jail -- and that was just fine with the cabbie. Deputies in Prescott, Ariz., say Jacob Bundy didn't have the $32 for his cab fare and chased the driver with a knife. Authorities say the driver convinced Bundy to put the knife away and offered to drive the man to a bank. On the way, the cabbie said his deadbeat fare suggested they go to the jail instead.

STRANGE LAW: In Youngstown, Ohio, is it illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi.

JOKE #1
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

JOKE #2
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

JOKE #3
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.  Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

JOCK JOKE
My niece visited the radio station the other day... she's about 4 years old. She was really intrigued with the headphones, and the microphones, and all the cool gadgets that you can find in a radio studio. I thought it'd be fun sit her behind one of the big microphones, put some large headphones on her, and then take her picture for posterity sake. After I got her ready for the picture, I couldn't help but begin thinking how proud I was that my niece wanted to follow in her uncle's footsteps. My footsteps! My four-year-old niece wanted to be a radio disc jockey! But then she spoke into the microphone, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

BLOWING IN THE WIND
A man in Richmond, Virginia, learned that when hauling wood, it's best to tie it to the top of your car.
...Instead, the 43-year-old man tried to hold it down himself. The man and a friend were attempting to move some wooden fencing by carrying it on top of their van. The one man literally laid on top of the wood on top of the van to hold it down. But while driving 50 mph, you can probably guess what happened to him? He was hospitalized after a gust of wind carried him off the car roof.  ***MARLAR: They were originally arguing about whose fence it truly was when the driver said, "I'll flip you for it."

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

Good friends are like stars.... you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

WHO’S WANT TO BE JOE?
Read: Genesis 39:1-21
The Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor. --Genesis 39:21
Joe's family was a mess. His father had 12 children by four different women--two of whom he was married to, and two of whom were the maids of one of his wives. In addition, Joe's dad had spent lots of years on the outs with Joe's uncle. Would YOU want to be Joe?
Let's continue... Joe's only sister was assaulted by an outsider, who had the nerve to turn around and ask if he could marry her. Some of her brothers were so angry that they killed the offending man and all his friends and relatives.
For Joe, who stayed out of that mess, the real problem came later when it was discovered that his father liked him more than all the other 11 brothers. Since killing people was not beyond them, they plotted to do away with Joe. Fortunately, they just sold him to some people from another country. Then they went home and lied about it.
With such experiences happening to Joe, you can probably imagine what a mess he turned out to be. So what happened to Joe? Did he:

1. Become a serial killer?
2. Marry and divorce several times?
3. Become a druggie to try to dull the pain of his dysfunctional family?
4. Become second-in-command over his new country and rescue that country from a famine?

If you know the story of Joseph in Genesis, you caught that he was not a person who complained about his circumstances and got himself into trouble. No, Joseph continued to trust and obey God--and overcame his seriously flawed background.
What an example! We all have things in our past we can blame if our life blows out of control. We can say, "My dad was too harsh," or "My mom didn't take good care of me." But ultimately the only person responsible for us is us.
No matter what the circumstance, Joseph continued to depend on God and to do the right thing. He obeyed his father, and after he had been sent to Egypt he refused the advances of Potiphar's wife. As a result, "the Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor" (39:21).
Who'd want to be Joe? No one would want the trouble he had. But we should all want to be the kind of God-honoring person he became despite those troubles. Like Joseph, we need to do what is right--no matter what.

I should hire this guy to come to my comedy shows.  (Keep watching and about two minutes into this video you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

Interesting clock...

Buy your way into Heaven?  Just be sure to read their disclaimer page in full before you make your purchase.

Shooting you straight about staying straight.

LAZINESS EXTENDS YOUR LIFESPAN
Forget all that "nose to the grindstone" trash that's been stuffed down your throat ever since you were a kid. A couch-potato lifestyle, free of stress, is definitely the way to go, say medical researchers Peter Axt and Michaela Axt Gadermann. In their book, "The Joy of Laziness: Why Life Is Better Slower, and How to Get There," the authors prove that goofing off more and exercising less will make you smarter, younger looking, less cranky and more loveable. The German doctors developed a 5-step plan to lazy up and lengthen your life span.

• Forget long-distance running -- marathon athletes often die at an early age from heart attacks. Switch to a brisk but easy stroll several times a week to boost circulation.
• If you live in a northern climate, think about moving south. Warm weather and sunshine dispel depression and alleviate stress.
• Sleep in whenever possible. Long hours in bed pump up your immune system so your body can fight viruses and disease.
• Combat the aging process by slowing down your metabolism with an occasional daily fast. Even digesting food can take a lot out of you.
• Relax your brain by hanging out for a day doing absolutely nothing more strenuous than channel surfing. Do it as often as you can.

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE (APPROPRIATE AFTER "TAX DAY," DON'T YOU THINK?!)

• American Express calls and says: "Please leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a deep and loving bond with Abe Lincoln.
• Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
• You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
• Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
• Your bologna has no first name.
• You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice and cookies.
• Sally Struthers sends you food.
• McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
• At communion you go back for seconds.

RIBBIT BOOM
Helpful hints on how to make toads explode!
If it weren't for the fact that this is not April 1st, I would swear this next story is an April Fool's Day joke. According to a German researcher, cars passing toads on the road (even if they don't actually touch the toads) can make the amphibians explode! (See, I told you this sounded like an April fool's joke.) Apparently, the air pressure created when a car goes whizzing by, forming a wind tunnel, decreases the outside pressure around the toad, making them expand, and KA-BOOM! The faster the car travels, the more likely this is to happen. The researcher says speeds as little as 20mph can cause toads to explode - and he's calling for speed limits and toad-crossing signs.

HEIGHTEN YOUR FIVE SENSES
(Men's Health) Sense-sharpening brain implants are decades away. Until then, use these simple tricks:

• Touch -- Look at the body part that's doing the touching. A British study found that looking at the body part increase activity in the area of the brain that controls sensation. The reverse works, too. Look away when receiving a shot.
• Hearing -- Simply smile. The muscles that turn your frown upside down also tense your middle-ear muscles. In turn, this softens low-frequency noises including the hum of an air conditioner, the din of traffic, or office chatter, by as much as 20 decibels.
• Taste -- Take a good whiff of your food before you eat. "Ninety percent of taste is smell," says Alan Hirsch, M.D., a neurologist. "The more odor molecules hit receptors in your nose, the more robust your sense of taste."
• Smell -- Run the hot water. Before odors reach your smell receptors, they first pass through a membrane. Warm, moist air helps odors dissolve into the membrane. But hurry, your heightened sense will last only a few minutes.
• Sight -- Position your computer monitor so you're looking slightly down at it. Your eyes won't be open as wide, so they won't be exposed to as much cornea-drying air. That means less eye strain and blurring and better vision.

I had to finally break down and do my taxes yesterday. Evidently my whole leave-it-out-and-the-little-people-will-do-it-for-me-while-I-sleep-paradigm wasn't nearly proactive enough for the IRS. --Chris MacEachen